Just a Lizard...I'm Talking To

You know, Hunter, it is a good thing you are just a lizard.

First of all, your name's all wrong. You, my friend, are no hunter. Hungry, sure, most definitely. A hunter? Hmmm, not so much. Remember those crickets? Yeah, Buddy, I know it's been a while. I have to draw the line somewhere. I cringed when I pulled off their hind legs just for you, AND you still couldn't catch them! I mean, COME ON! You can thank ME for that fat tail of yours. If I didn't put these meal worms and wax worms right in front of you, you would be one skinny ass lizard. I'd hate to see what it would be like for you if you were a man! I mean what girl would want that in a man?

Speaking of, remember Lizzie? Yeah, cute little Lizzie. That didn't last long! We bought you last Christmas for Lizzie. Only in a lizard's world, we "bought" you for her. You came home and you rattled your little tail, chased her around. You were nice for what? 1 day? I don't know how many days that would translate to in Human years, but yeah, you courted her for a day! You got her pregnant, you chased her away from getting any food after that!!! Oh, don't look away, there's no one else involved here. What happened when she got sick, huh? Do you remember that? You cuddled up to her, put your head on her back. Well, we all miss her and I am NOT buying you a girlfriend this year. Nope, you are stuck all by yourself, Buddy. Man, can you imagine if you were a guy and you did that shit???

It's OK, just eat your worm. Oh, COME ON! It's not even crawling away from you and you miss? What the hell?

It's OK, I'll take you out and hold you. What? Where are you going? You do this every single time. YES, you do. You run away, I catch you, I rub your back and your chin, you press yourself up against my fingers, my hand. Then what? Yeah, I'm asking you. That's right, when I go to put you back, you climb my arm and cling on for dear life! Again, what if you were a guy doing that shit???

It's OK, really, I'm not mad. You do have to go back, I have other things to do. I'll turn out your lights. I'll be here tomorrow, same time, same place, same shit. It is a good thing you are just a lizard.